Posts Tagged ‘Personal Experiences’

Especially to those living in China.

I feel very happy tonight and going to sleep very happy. I have learned so much about myself recently. Number 1. I am at my most happiest when I’m busy. Busy working towards my dreams. Busy working towards big goals. Busy working making money. Busy having things to do.

I like feeling productive and useful and enjoy being needed and having things to do while maintaining some kind of a balance with my personal life. Today I worked 14 hours and going to bed with contentment in my heart. It has been so difficult but every day is closer to establishing myself in this new country and new life as who you really are and finding out exactly what moves you and what your priorities are.

Who are you in this new environment ? What aspects of life can you take from both cultures to have a more happy life ? Who is this new version of you? It’s kind of exciting now that the answers slowly start coming.

I have also realised that the reason why I lacked confidence lately is exactly because of these reasons. You left your strengths behind in your home town and instead started learning everything a new. New language, new job, new friends, new work environment.

Instead of practicing your strengths, you are learning everything a new and confidence comes from knowing things and being good at things so no wonder our confidence can get a little shaky here, especially if you compare yourself with this new culture.

You are in a new environment where nobody knows who you are and you can’t communicate it across to people and that can be especially lonely and soul crushing. We all want people to see us for who we are and acknowledge us. That’s how we bond and we all want to bond with people and have those heart to heart connections that go beyond a civilised hello or drinks at a bar.

All of the things that made you you have been left behind and you are stripped to your bear bones and absolutely naked until you realise you need to pick yourself back up again.

I realised I lost my confidence temporarily because all of my strengths that made me me have been lost here and I so desperately wanted to be seen because I wanted companionship in this lonely silent world of not understanding the language or the culture sometimes.

Nobody got to know who I am or what I’m good at or what I care about. The world inside me that goes beyond that is a woman teaching. It’s kind of a silent suffering.

Nobody can truly see you until you learn to communicate well enough in the new language. Everything is new New New. Had to start everything from the beginning.

However, I was wrong. I hadn’t lost all my strengths and shouldn’t really care who can see them but instead should focus on doing the things that make me happy, fulfilled and have a purpose.

Just being the things you already are but with an added bonus. Then the rest becomes much easier.

Hope this can be a story of comfort for other expats who also struggle with finding out who they are in this new culture where they feel quite often people can’t see them.

Instead of looking outwardly perhaps we should look inwardly for our self fulfilment and satisfaction. For those like me who are living in China, we are not Chinese but we love living in China and we need to remember that. We will never be Chinese but we just need to figure out who we are amongst these two very different cultures.

If your goal and purpose are strong enough, you have the strongest possible protective factors to help you along this path that is very long and narrow.

Good night with all my gratitude. Wishing everyone happy travelling on the long but sort of short road called life. With all my gratitude, Jin Feng. Thanks from all my heart.


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Photo courtesy of TopNews.in

Hi folks, I known I have been neglecting the blog, for which I’m sorry for. OK maybe neglecting is taking it lightly, I straight out deserted the blog for a while. There is a very good reason for it, my grandmother is very sick and the family are really struggling at the moment. You see, my grandmother suffers with Alzheimer’s Disease.

And so, in order to keep some momentum, and even offload some things off my chest, I will dedicate the next few posts to Alzheimer’s and my experience with this tragic disease, how it has affected me and my family so far. However, I cannot promise that the quality will be the same as usual because my mind is in a thousand places and the issues discussed are very difficult and sensitive.

“Alzheimer’s Disease (AD) is also known as Aleheimer Disease, senile dementia of the Alzheimer type, primary degenarative demention of the Alzheimer’s type or simpley as Alheimers is the most common form of dementia.  Alzheimer disease, senile dementia of the Alzheimer type, primary degenerative dementia of the Alzheimer’s type, or simply Alzheimer’s, is the most common form of dementia. This incurable, degenerative, and terminal disease was first described by German psychiatrist and neuropathologist Alois Alzheimer in 1906 and was named after him.[1] Most often, it is diagnosed in people over 65 years of age,[2] although the less-prevalent early-onset Alzheimer’s can occur much earlier. In 2006, there were 26.6 million sufferers worldwide. Alzheimer’s is predicted to affect 1 in 85 people globally by 2050.

This is indeed quote from Wikipedia, not because I’m lazy, but because every single moment is spent worrying over, take care of or escaping my grandma so that I can touch base with myself and I’m capable to look after her again. In ordinary circumstances, I wouldn’t use wiki as a source however, I find the article here on Alheimers to be really informative, well written and backed up with tons of referrences.

My story with Alzheimers happened and developed very quickly. Around a year ago, or maybe slightly more, my grandmother began to show signs of forgetfulness such as completely forgetting conversations which we repeat for her several times. In that year, my grandfather took my nan to several neurologist to prescribe her something for her symptoms, in the meanwhile me and my mum made nothing of it. She was taking some medication, but my grandparents were not making a fuss about it.

In March, this year, everything changed. My grandparents came to visit and this visit was the marking of the beginning of our nightmare ordeal with this disease.

My grandmother (and spiritual grandmother) who is around 65, visited me in our home and did not recognise her only child and granddaughter.  I was in shock, I suffered with my experience of depersonalization and derealization caused by a sever anxiety/panic attack when I had a first hand experience of the “evil” yet invisible to the naked eye side effects of stress and anxiety. You would not believe what personal hell sufferers can go through, even with mild symptoms of these disorders. Going through it myself has really opened my eyes to what mental health complications can really be like and how much we take our bodies and minds for granted. I really urge people going through high amounts of stress and anxiety to read into depersonalization and derealization and their side effects, which could also be related to chronic stress and anxiety disorders.

In March, my grandmother seemed more gentle and fragile than usual. I knew there was a problem when she began to get lost from the bedroom door to the living room, toilet or kitchen. Believe me, it’s a small apartment and one she has been visiting for many years.

I looked in her eyes, and I tried to find something wrong. I half expected to find a crazed stare, or something different in her eyes. I could not believe that a woman who had been so healthy all her life would suddently deteriorate in such a tragic way. There was nothing, this was the same grandmother, but she was looking at me directly and asking “how are you related to these people?” (talking about my grandfather and mother). It was becoming obvious that there were other side effects to this cruel disease, paranoia was one. My grandmother was certain that my grandfather was working against her, but this was nothing new. Who would have thought this is part of the disease, she was never his biggest fan. According to my grandmother, marriage is sleeping with the enemy in the same bed. 😀 romantic, huh? But then it was beginning to get inappropriate when she would accuse him and later my mother of stealing from her handbag and the stories began to get a little more unbelieavable than usual. Worse still, she would get dressed to walk out of our home so that she can go to the Police so she can report “the thieves”.

My dear grandmother and I are the closest in my family you see, we are the bestest friends. She would tell me all her secrets and she was everything to me that a mother should be- my loving refuge, my biggest fan and fierce protector. Me and her against the world.

I was always used to my grandmother confiding in me about things, which she does not tell my mother or grandmother. But this was becoming unusual, she would not cause drama and think logically about things. So why now is she on her way out of the door, wanting to report our family for stealing little bits and pieces from her bag…?

Still this was nothing, compared to what really worried me. I cannot explain to you what happened in my heart when I saw my fragile grandmother get lost those days in our apartment, this vulnerability was much worse than the pain of her looking directly at me and asking who I am.

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Dear friends,
I want to apologise for my lack of presence on this blog over the last couple of months.

The good news is that I have finally completed my first year of university and now am back to visiting my home countries Bulgaria and China. Gosh I love them both 🙂 To add to this positive short update, I will also use this opportunity to let you know that from the 29th July I will begin to add Diary Entries on this blog upon my arrive in my beloved China.

The down side is that it was an incredibly challenging time for me lately, which killed my creativity for a bit. Unfortunately, some of my family are experiencing severe health problems and a few other troubles that I have been focused on dealing with. You know, the trick with caring about other people is that when you see them suffering it can cause you even more pain than if it was happening to yourself.

For this blog entry, we will take a detour from the Trip of a Life time saga and discuss what happens when problems arise in close relationships or friendships.

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You get the idea. Right?

Obviously, my holiday of a lifetime included a little more perspiration rather than procrastination so here is my simple guide on How to Plan the Trip of a Lifetime to show you how I did it! I think this simple step by step guide works with any idea generally, but I will mostly apply the rules for the purpose of trip- building.

Step 1: Get an idea! Remember- without direction, we are almost not going anywhere! So get to the drawing room and make a wish!

Something like.. I want to take a trip of a lifetime, get my dream job or be fittest and healthiest I can be. Write it down! (more…)

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